


Reach for the Dead

by Rootcx



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Blood and Injury, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Addiction, Self-Harm, don't read if triggered easily, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 10:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17057780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rootcx/pseuds/Rootcx
Summary: Derek is gone, and Amelia doesn't know how to cope with the loss of her only brother. Maggie is there to help but she doesn't understand, not really.Amelia reaches for a release in an old method of addiction from her youth and gives everyone a big scare.How will the people around her react to what has happened?HUGE TRIGGER WARNINGgraphic descriptions self-harm and cutting. Do not read this if it triggers you! Stay safe lovelies





	1. Out of my system

Derek is dead. Amelia blinks, staring blankly at the wall. The sentence repeating over and over in her head. Derek died. Another blink, her mind totally faded and blurred. A third blink, she counts them now. Something to focus on, it’s better than thinking. Or feeling for that matter. She knows she should be feeling. She should be feeling a lot right now. It’s what is normal, what is expected. But Amelia has always been a feel too much or nothing at all kind of gal and right now her mind and body are completely numb. 

She’s dragged out of her train of thought by footsteps and a gentle hand on her shoulder.   
Not removing her fixed stare on the living room wall she can only see a part of the person speaking to her. Maggie, it seems. Well, of course, it’s Maggie. Meredith doesn’t want to bother seeing her right now. Meredith lost her husband, she’s dealing with it and so should Amelia. Or so she said.   
Amelia doesn’t try to pay attention to Maggie’s words. A fourth blink, Maggie’s tender hand moves from her shoulder to her face, removing a strand of hair that had fallen before glossy eyes. 

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours, okay? There’s food on the counter if you feel like eating a bit today”

Amelia can hear the overbearing concern in her sister's voice. She will probably try to at least touch some of the prepared food while Maggies at the hospital, giving her the illusion of an improving appetite. 

Will a final pat on her shoulder Maggie stands up and heads for the door. What did she say? A couple of hours. That’s right. The door goes shut and Amelia is left alone. 

¤¤¤

She’s noticed she’s having cravings again. Horrible, horrible cravings. The ones that make your head go in circles. The ones that are at the forefront of your mind almost constantly. The ones that make you feel helpless because no matter how hard you try to push them down and convince yourself that you’ve moved past the endless torture of addiction it’s so hard not to give in. Fighting drains you of energy, and Amelia’s short on energy at the moment. 

With the food on the counter barely glanced at Amelia’s brain starts to wander. All of the booze that used to be in the house is now hidden. Maggie apparently doesn’t trust her to be alone in a house full of liquor and Amelia gets that. She’s not mad or offended, just disappointed. Her quest for a release made that much more difficult. And as much as Amelia’s body is craving the release of her drug of choice she swore that she would never go down that rabbit hole again. Not after what happened to Ryan. She owes him that much, she owes herself that much. 

As her mind floats away to the land of release she remembers something that she used to do as a teenager whenever her cravings for pills became too much and she was unable to acquire any. Unsteady hands slowly pull aside the sleeve of her shirt. The scars of her youth are barely visible. A single finger gently stroked the length of her forearm. This would help her feel something again, this would help dampen her cravings. The feeling of pain will make her feel alive again, it’s always done the trick. This would work.


	2. Then the Quiet Explosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The blood is calming, but a worried Maggie outside the bathroom door is not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE trigger warning on this one. Y'all stay safe ok?

The blade feels heavy in her hand. Barely eating for the last few days probably didn’t help the fatigue. Are we really doing this? The last of her rational thinking shines in and makes her doubt what she’s about to do. But the doubt isn’t big enough and Amelia adjusts the blade between her thumb and index finger. Swallowing, the metal is slowly placed on her left forearm. 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

With a fast movement, Amelia moves the sharp blade over her skin. A sigh of relief escapes her trembling lips. Pain trickles through her arm as the first drop of blood falls to the bathroom floor.  
Another slash follows. And another. And another. Her arm keeps moving without her thinking. The blade moves from her right hand to her left. Red angry marks start appearing, the wounds becoming deeper as she continues moving the metal over the inside of the forearm. The pain in her arms travel up her shoulders and fill her whole chest and overpowers the last rational thought she mustered to have. A barely noticeable smile spreads across Amelia's lips. It’s the first smile she's worn in days. She smiles because she doesn’t feel numb anymore. For the first time since she found out that Derek died, she doesn’t feel like she died that day with him. It isn’t a feeling of being alive per se, but it’s a start. 

As she comes to a stop her eyes start to wander. Placing the now red blade on the bathroom sink, Amelia really takes a look at her arms. Her eyes widen when she stops at the rapid streak of blood flowing out of two separate wounds on her arms, bleeding noticeably more than the rest. That’s when her eyes shoot down to the bathroom tiles. A quick exhale of realisation escape lungs as she realizes that the pool of her own blood on the floor is successively getting bigger. 

“Amelia??” A panicked voice makes its way from outside the locked door, startling the woman inside. 

Shit. Maggie’s home already? That’s not supposed to happen for another few hours, or I just l just lost track of time? Amelia turns her head towards her sister, unable to see her but knowing exactly what expression she bears. 

Trying not to have her voice sound to shakey Amelia answers. “Yeah?” Swallowing she tries to continue. “I’m fine, did you need anything?” The blood loss is starting to make her a bit lightheaded. 

There’s a slight hesitation on the other side of the door until Maggie’s voice again shines through. “I just… you weren’t answering my texts and I tried calling but I couldn’t reach you so I got worried” Maggie sighed at the end of her sentence. She just needed to see her sister, just to make sure that she was truly okay. 

Placing a hand at the door Maggie pleaded, “Please Amelia just open the door. Just for a moment?” 

No answer. 

Maggie could only hear a few jagged breaths on the other side. Something was wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. 

“Amelia I’m going to open the door okey? Cover yourself if you…” Maggie starts but is quickly interrupted by a panicked voice from the other side of the wooden door. 

All the blood in Amelia's head rushes down towards her legs. Panic sets in. She breaks out into a cold sweat, hands start feeling clammy and looking down she can see them physically shake. If she could run, she would, but she’s in a locked room with no way to escape. “No Maggie please, please don’t open that door! I’m fine just leave me alone! Amelia’s thoughts start to race at the mere scenario of being walked in on like this. This will devastate Maggie. She won’t be able to handle it. 

As she fumbles for her keys Maggie tries to calm the panicking woman down. “I’m so sorry Amelia but I can’t stand out here when I know something is terribly wrong in there” She smoothly uses the thinnest key on her keychain to pry open the lock for the outside.

“Maggie no!” There is nowhere to hide. No way to conceal what she has done. As she sees the door swing open Amelia wishes she didn’t exist. Wishes that she never existed to begin with.


	3. The Will to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Maggie finally enters the bathroom, the race against time begins. Amelia can only lay back and watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> Love you people, stay safe my dudes
> 
> Btw I have no clue how old Amelia is but she felt like a good 35 to me so we're going with that even though it might be incorrect.

A scream reaches Amelia's ears before the injured woman feels her legs giving out underneath her. It feels like her head is spinning, dizziness and fatigue overwhelm Amelias senses. The trip to the bathroom tiles seems long, longer than it should be. 

Maggie's hands quickly support her head as Amelia’s barely conscious body lands in a pool of red. Amelia tries her best to not slip into unconsciousness, knowing that’s not what she really wants. All she wanted was to feel the pain, it wasn’t supposed to go this far. She can feel her sisters fingers over her pulse point. The hand on her neck are quickly removed as newly washed towels are placed over her forearms. 

The nausea of the blood loss makes focusing on one’s surroundings harder than it should. Hearing Maggie's panicked voice through the daze of possibly dying makes her wish she had bled out before the cardio surgeon came home. Sparing her the torture of trying to save her sister. At least if she came home when the house was quiet, long after it was all over, Amelia would have at least spared her this. 

Amelia you stupid, selfish cunt. All you do is hurt people. You fuck up. You’ve fucked up. Again. 

“Stay with me, Amelia. Please, please stay with me.” A weeping Maggie pleads. Desperation is evident in her voice. She briefly moves one of her hands compressing the wounds to brush a strand of hair from Amelia’s face, just like she had done this morning. 

“Listen to me, the ambulance will be here any second so just stay with me at least until they get here.” A sob escapes her lips as the words stop tumbling out of her mouth, all in one breath. 

Faint sirens catch the women's attention. As a sigh of relief can be heard from Maggie the ambulance moves closer and closer to Meredith's house. 

Not long now. Just hold on for a bit longer. 

The screech of tires coming to a halt ring through the house. 

“Ambulance! Please open the door.” A voice can be heard from the front porch. 

Maggie silently thanks her past self for not locking the front door when she came home. “Just open the door! We’re on the second floor, go right, second door to the left. Just hurry!” 

Two pairs of footsteps run up the stairs, down the hallway towards the bathroom. Maggie beats them to the punch as she starts throwing at them everything she knows at this point.  
“Thirtyfive year old female, lacerations to both arms, racing pulse, having a hard time keeping her responsive and conscious so we need to work fast!” All of that came out in one breath, Maggie needed them to start working as soon as possible. The sooner the paramedics get Amelia to a hospital the greater the chance of her surviving. 

The ambulance personnel sprung into action, working on getting the bleeding to stop just enough to move the broken, half-conscious woman on the floor. 

As they where carrying Amelia out on a stretcher, moving through the house and out the door, a weak hand took a hold of Maggie’s hand. Stunned, Maggie tightly squeezed the cold hand. Amelia turned her head to look at her sister, her oh so loyal sister whom she didn’t deserve.  
“I’m so sorry Maggie.” Amelias voice came out raspy and not quite right but Maggie held on to every word just as hard as she clung to Amelia's hand. “You’re going to… be… just fine.” And with that, her pale face rolled to the side.  
“Pulse is dangerously low! We need to get a move on, now!” One of the paramedics yelled, quickening their pace, loading the now quiet looking Amelia. 

Maggie not skipping a beat realized what had just happened. 

“No! No! Those are not your last words you hear me?” Keeping up with the paramedics, jumping into the ambulance, not for a second letting go of the pale hand in hers. “You’re going to be just fine, just fine!” 

Maggie could feel the vehicle moving but all she could focus on was Amelia. Specifically her heart. The cardio surgeon prayed to whatever god was out there to just let it keep on beating. Let it keep beating.


	4. Apocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not dead… I’m not dead. 
> 
> Relieved is not a word to describe how the brunette feels. No, she doesn’t feel relief, not at all. Dread is what is filling her chest. Horrible, disgusting dread has taken over her ability to feel anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me such a long time to update this fic. I try to work a bit piece by piece while I have the energy.   
> Thanks for all the support and love!

Unpleasant lights pry into her vision the second Amelia peers her eyes open. Blinking she registers a hospital room, moving her head to the left an IV and blood bag hang over her bed. 

Not dead… I’m not dead. 

Relieved is not a word to describe how the brunette feels. No, she doesn’t feel relief, not at all. Dread is what is filling her chest. Horrible, disgusting dread has taken over her ability to feel anything else. The dread of facing everybody. The dread of recovery. Dread fills Amelia’s entire body when the realization of possibly being but in a psych ward comes to mind. No, not possibly. That’s inevitable. 

Moving, Amelia shifts her body in an attempt to sit up. She winces the moment the slightest pressure is put on her forearms. Examining the damage is a hard task as they’re thoroughly bandaged. 

As soon as Amelia manages to prop herself up she notices the guard opposite her hospital bed. Probably there to stop her trying to leave. It doesn’t offend the injured woman. She gets it. Someone’s gotta guard her now that she’s on suicide watch. Constant supervision, that’s what that is. Not being able to lock the door when going to pee. Being checked on in the shower, that is probably the worst one. Being checked on every fifteen minutes at night just so that they can make sure you haven't offed yourself in the last fourteen. That’s what it is.   
So yeah she’s been through this before, just once, as an adolescent. 

“Oh, Amelia!” The neurosurgeons' train of thought is quickly interrupted by her face being immersed in curly brown hair as her sister embraced her in a hug. It took a moment for her to actually remember to hug back. Amelia wrapped her arms around Maggie, just very lightly as to not put too much pressure on the healing wounds. As Maggie loosened her grip Amelia could clearly see tears in her eyes. A sharp pain struck Amelia's heart. Guilt, she knew it would come. 

Maggie took a firm hold on either side of the woman before her. “I’m so glad you’re awake,” she said with a smile, an oh so sad smile. Amelia couldn't bear it. Looking at Maggie’s face was too much. Amelia averted her gaze, not sure where to look but knew that the guilt would destroy her if she were to look into those sad, kind eyes. So the hospital bed sheets were a much safer option. 

Maggie searched Amelia’s face and the released it from her grip, a puzzled expression on her face. She instead took a hold of her hands, planted on her lap. She felt like she needed to hold onto the other surgeon, just to make sure that she really was here and that she indeed was okay. 

Trying to tread lightly, Maggie decided that no hard-hitting questions were going to do any good at the moment. No need to make this situation even harder. With that in mind and also the fact that Maggie had never had to comfort someone after a… a… suicide attempt… she decided to go with what she felt could be most appropriate. 

“How are you feeling?” squeezing the hands in hers. 

Now Amelia was the one who could feel her eyes watering. The truth would not be appropriate at the moment, Amelia decided. It would only hurt her sister, and she’s done enough of that. “Tired.” Short answer but Maggie seems to think it’s enough. She gives Amelia a soft smile which the heavy-hearted woman tries her best to return. 

Maggie suddenly sifts where she sits perched on the edge of the stiff hospital bed.   
“Listen, Amelia-” Her sentence halted, searching for the right words. “Because of what happened you’re not going to be allowed home… probably not for a while.” Finishing her sentence Maggie holds her breath, not knowing how the words would go over with the very unstable woman before you. 

Maggie quickly notices a tear rolling down Amelia's pale cheek. A hand rises to wipe it away but hesitates when Amelia's brow quickly furrows. 

“No.” Behind the words lies dynamite, ready to explode with one wrong step. Silent tears continue to fall as Amelia’s head spins.

“I’m so sorry Amelia but you can’t go home, we all agree on that. You’re too emotionally unstable. We- we can’t trust you.” 

“NO!” The explosion Maggie desperately wanted to avoid. The guard outside inches towards the door, ready to just in if needed. 

“Yes. Yes, you are Amelia.” A stern voice comes from behind the guard. Meredith looks at her sister whose anger was briefly replaced with surprise at the sight of the blond woman. That shock quickly went back to stubbornness, frustration and fury when Meredith entered the room. 

“It’s for your own good.”


	5. Smoke Signals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you doing here?” Amelia glared up at the blonde. She may be wounded and a bit lightheaded, but that has never stopped her from being petty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My final chapter. It's really fucking short and which is super disappointing but meh. Enjoy! New work will come when I find the motivation and the energy

Meredith made her way towards Amelia's bedside. 

“What are you doing here?” Amelia glared up at the blonde. She may be wounded and a bit lightheaded, but that has never stopped her from being petty.   
After Derek's death, Meredith had vanished for a time. Not even saying goodbye. She had come back but had made no effort to contact her husbands youngest sister. 

“I wanted to see you, Amelia.” Meredith's green eyes never left the hospital gown-clad woman. It was not on a warm, comforting sort of gaze, more of a stern blank stare. “I wanted to see that you were okay.”

“I didn't think you cared.” Amelia spat the words in Meredith's direction. “You haven't contacted me in months and now you show up in my hospital room, asking if I’m okay??” Fury brewed in the depth of Amelia's stomach. 

“Derek-” Meredith starts, eyes averting down for a split second. 

“DEREK WAS MY BROTHER AS MUCH AS HE WAS YOUR HUSBAND!” Amelia rose from her bed on weak knees. “I LOST HIM TOO! I LOST HIM TOO!” The brunette tried to claw at the woman before her but found that strong arms had taken a hold of her waist and Maggie was now dragging her back, away from Meredith who stood there, shoulders heavy. 

Meredith tried again, choosing her words carefully. “I know I haven't been here and that’s on me.” As she spoke, Maggie had gotten Amelia to sit, checking so that the needles in Amelia's arms still fastened where they should. “I have been distant and I’m sure you can agree that we haven’t been on the best of terms, straining our relationship even more.” Amelia blinked away tears which had welled up through her screams a moment earlier, her lips in a thin line. 

“But you try to off yourself and expect me not to show? Of course I'm here, I’m your sister Amelia” Meredith continues as her gaze softened. Amelia just gave away a slight gruffing sound. 

“Sit” Amelia mumbled, settling cross-legged on the top of the bed. Meredith sat at the edge, Maggie did the same. 

“So I really have to stay here?” Amelia asked shifting her body towards Maggie, hoping that the doctors' decision would have changed in the last twenty minutes. 

Maggie smiled at the sadly, a hand resting on Amelia's knee. “I’m sorry Amy, you can not get yourself out of this one. “ 

“You will be moved to a psychiatric facility tomorrow morning. You only have to spend the remainder of today here.” Meredith sighed. “Your wounds will have to be looked after as well.” 

“Right.” Amelia looked down in her lap. She winced as she moved her arms, touching the bandages. 

The dread of living another day was still very much rooted in her chest, and the heavy thought of spending days upon days in a psych ward was not pleasing. But trying was something she was willing to do. She would try, for herself and no one else.


End file.
